drakeylok blogging at elowel.org
the key to distractions 03-21-06 17:15
finals week might as well shoot me. I had one final yesterday which i bombed, but remarkably was able to pull of a B in the class. Three more to come. I can't seem to force myself to keep my mind focused on my studying and all of the shit I need to get done. Breaks have become numerous...but a break from what? A break from my distractions? beautiful.

Spring break plans are consuming too much of my mind. but what spring break plans? exactly. nothing really. Hopefully go to the beach. The boy wants to go hiking and have a picnic or something, damn cute. Ill make the best of a spring break spent at home. Hopefull find a summer job that can provide me with enough money for an apartment next year.

He seems to be so happy the last week or so. Ive been worrying a lot less the past week. I feel like he's okay right now. Hopefully, it will stay. He's been very smiley and lively. Maybe the sunny weather we had for a few days helped.

Katie and i are going to the boys place friday night for a beer pong tournament we entered. we will no doubt lose first round, but oh well! We will have to practice our skills.

I had to go talk to the RD today about the alcohol violation. I got a warning. wooo. It still goes on my record though, so i better not fuck up again.

nichole - talk to me about calvin.
the boyfriend. 03-08-06 21:27
He couldnt last three days without me.

We got together, and I told him how mad I was with him. I asked him if he wanted to break up. He looked so upset. I thought he was going to cry. He told me that he didnt want to break up with me. SO i continued to question him, to figure out whats been going on. He finally broke down and started talking about his depression. It was so upsetting. He told me how it makes him feel. How he wants to be happy, but he doesnt know how. How he's had it for seven years. He even pulled out his medical files and let me read some of it. It was intense. He promised me he would never hurt himself because he couldnt do that to the people he loved. That made me feel a little better. I knew he was battling depression. But i didnt know that it was this bad. He told me he was considering going back on antidepressants. After him talking and explaining, he told me that I have the choice to leave him or not, after knowing all this. I told him that im not leaving him, and hugged him. He gave me the biggest hug he ever has. I almost cried. THen he told me that he didnt want to tell me before I made my decision because he didnt want to pressure me or anything, but that i make him so happy. that he loves me, and that he doesnt feel upset when im there. He told me that he is going to work hard on not talking to me when he is completly down because i dont deserve his shit. HE also said that he is going to try and quit smoking weed, because it doesnt help him anymore. I guess he started years ago to help the depression, but now, it doesnt work. I hope hes okay. He started smoking cigs again, and normally Id be on his case about it. But im going to give him some time, until he feels a little better, then help him quit again. Im so happy things are okay now, I dont know what i would do without him.

he came down to corvallis yesteday for the day to see me. We had fun. He looked so happy. It made me happy to see him happy. He was all smiley so i guess he was having an "up" day. I told him to call me once he got back to portland, since it was rainy and dark. When he called, the first thing he said was that he loved me, and thanked me for being such an understanding girlfriend...because he knows it must be hard.

mm i love him.
and... 03-03-06 00:12
okay 13 more days.
i spend my days talking to karl now. I saw him at haggen too. He is a good guy.
well 03-03-06 00:10
the two week break.

starts now...

This is going to be the longest two weeks of my life.
i miss the life. i miss the colors of the world. can anyone tell where i am?

I decided that this is a better time than ever to start this crazy stuff up again.

I've been listening to three doors down, away from the sun, on repeat for longer than anyone should ever do.

I dont know what I'm doing, who I am, or who I want to be. So far, I am doing a perfect job of shutting myself out from everything right now. Oddly enough, it almost has to be done. I have more homework and studying then ever, and I feel guilty doing anything else. I feel like I should be back at my desk, learning more. Putting more effort into it. Putting more hours and committment into learning as much as I can for the thousands of dollars my parents are pushing out for my college education. I feel guilty.

Im tired of living in the dark. Can anyone see me down here?

On top of that, I have a boyfriend who just turned the glorious age of 21, and believes that now he can do whatever he wants, and is taking life up on the offer. He stops by to buy his beers on more days that I would really like to know. I cannot talk to him when he is on the downside of drinking. He starts out wonderful and so sweet. But give it a few hours, and I could almost ring his neck, and it almost always results in tears being shed and feelings being hurt - always mine.

Theres nothing left to lift me up. back into the world i know. I find myself, so far down.

Last night was one of the worst. Lots of words were exchanged, and it resulting in his decision that he does not want a girlfriend anymore. Three weeks. Three weeks, and I will have been with him for two years. This is not something I can give up easily. He says he really loves me. And deep down, I know he does. I know he's truthful. But the problem is, he is too smart and curious for his own good. He always has to learn, to get something out of everything, surround himself with insightful and phiolosphical people. He always has to be wondering, to be thinking. Which is not a bad thing at all. But it is when you try to push it together with a serious relationship. He's always trying to change things. Teach people. Better people. Get to know new people that can teach him things. So he is wondering what else is out there, despite the fact that he loves me. Honestly, I know I should let him go. Let him find what else is out there. Let him explore. Let him learn. And if he so decides, Let him come back to me feeling satisfied with the fact that he has experienced more. But I cant. I cant let him go. I cant let him wander. I cant let him learn those types of things. Why? Because Im selfish. I dont want him with other girls, but who would? But overall, I think Im scared that if I let him wander. Let him explore.... That he may never find his way back.

I love him. I truly do. He knows that. I know that. This morning, once sober, I asked him what he was thinking. He replies with nothing. Typical. I begin to ask questions, not knowing what I want to hear. It ends with the fact that he wants me around. He wants me around as his girlfriend. And that he loves me. But is it enough?

Im so far down, away from the sun that shines the light. The way for me to find my way back into the arms I care about.
The fourth of July 07-08-05 02:25
regardless of my last post, seeing him run around in the street with a sparkler...and even write his name fixed everything. I cant be mad when he acts so cute.

I was pretty mad that heather was at his place on the 4th visiting casey. I hate that girl. So I went with the whole, "If you dont have anything nice to say, dont say anything at all" speal. I knew that if I opened my mouth, it wouldnt be good. Zach said not to worry and that he's got my back.

We went to some place in LO for awhile. Zach was so amazed by the city. It was cute.

Then we went back to their house. Zach and I played with the snake things, strobe lights, and sparklers. Then we hid in his front yard in the trees and threw pop its at Kelsey and Karl when they came home.

We thought we were hilarious.

Then there was a little of this..a little of that. some bombs that upset neighbors and such. then he took me home.

no alcohol. no parties. no crazy stories. not really with any of my friends.

however, i did get to spend it cuddled up with my zachary.

So it was all okay.
marijuana 07-04-05 13:47
i hate him when he smokes.

i wish he'd quit ... again.

i hate him.
<3 07-03-05 01:54
the boyfriend got a bit drunk. i was sober. so that made last night pretty funny.

we stood on his porch for awhile. he kept his arms around me to keep me warm.

well...at least one arm. the other hand either contained a cig...or his drink.

anyway, he started telling me how we met. (as if i didnt already know).

then proceeded on to tell how we became a couple.

then to our two month break up.

then to seeing eachother at a party again, and then the process of slowly starting things up again.

it was very amusing.

it was a pretty good day yesterday. i went grocery shopping with him. some people were looking at us sort of strange.

maybe its because im a crazy cart driver.

or cause we are too young kids shopping for food together as if we live together.

dont worry old people. it was for him and his 4 guy roomates.


ditched 07-03-05 01:48
so i havent seen her in like..basically forever. we used to spend everyweekend together. but then she went to college and it all changed. which was expected. so i was really excited when we decided to hang out tonight after work.

we were gonna go camping in my backyard like we used to. with the marshmellows over my little fire pit.

we were gonna talk and catch up. find out whats been up and stuff.

buuuuut,she called around 11 and said she was too tired to come over. but there was a party i could go with her to. i said i couldnt. and she said we'd do it again sometime.

what i dont get is...how come she was too tired to go camping in my backyard...but instead thought a party would be a good idea.

yeah thats right. straight up getting ditched. what fun.
i guess ill figure out 03-01-06 20:14
shes leaving in a couple days and im not exactly sure what to do.

we've sort of moved on. at least i had.
until the other night we hung out. it was like nothing had changed. not akward at all. we had fun. it was to say goodbye. however, niether one of us uttered those words.

we used to be really good friends.

i know i hurt her. i didnt want to. but i was just done with all the crap and drama.

we couldnt be friends forever.

shes leaving the state in a few days. goodbye old friend.
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